Do you remember those wonderful words spooning, necking, making out, and first base? For the last two decades, the fine art of kissing has been upstaged by other amorous encounters. Perhaps now more than ever we need some guidlines to reacquaint us with that old black magic. In my travels, I've come accross a wide variety of kissers. Some of them set off rockets and fireworks, some didn't. As with all thing ethereal, it's best to describe what makes someone a great kisser by cataloguing what doesn't. Here is my suggested list of kissers to avoid and kissers to seek.
THE TOUNGE SNATCHER
Beware! When I was in college, I once dated a singer who was a demon in bed. The only problem was that she had this nasty penchant for grabbing onto my toungue with herlips while we were kissing and tugging it until I felt that at any moment she would tear the muscle out of my throat. If you encounter the same in a man, take my word for it - get away ehile you can.
THE LIP SMACKER
This poor unfortunate is more content with simply smacking his lips againts yours so that you never get any sensual contact. All you get is this horrible popping sound. This person is probably afraid of intimacy.
THE EAR DRILLER
A probing tongue flicking within the confines of the ear can be very titillating. But the Ear Driller spends all his time digging deeper and deeper into your ear. Such intimate doings can be real bonus during sex, since the motion is penetrating and evocative of the sex act itself, but this type of kisser has trouble relaxing and responding to casual foreplay.
THE VAMPIRE
With this cad, necking takes on entirely new connotation. The sucker devotes all his attention to the soft, sensitive are under the chin, below the ears, and the cherished terrain around the voice box. If he is a true leech, he'll leave hickeys everywhere as testaments of his undying (or is that undead?) devotion and visible scars of your previous night's passion.
THE TEETH CLINKER
If you haven't run into this toothy nightmare, you're lucky. I don't know if it's because he has buck teeth or bad aim, but for some reason he has a tendency to bang his teeth against yours.
THE BUG EYE
Looking into someone's eyes while you're kissing can make for a soulful encounter, especially if the moment is full of passion and wonder. But the Bug Eye cannot shut his eyes at all. His great big startled eyes stare directly into yours, causing you embarrassment, dizziness, and fatigue.
THE GRAND CANYON
This is the worst kind of kisser. He opens his jaws so wide that you can see down his throat. It never occurs to him to relax; he presses his gigantic mouth againts yours and usually leans his body tightly up againts you. He wants to devour you.
THE HAIR PULLER
Another beware! the Hair Puller starts out slowly, gracefully running his fingers through your hair as he kisses you passinately. Pretty soon, however, he's tugging at the strands just a bit more than you would like. By the time he has both hands on your head, his body is writhing like an animal's in your arms and he's ripping the hair from the roots causing you to scream in pain.
A variant of this disorder is the man who wraps his fist around a woman's ponytail and tugs her head back at top speed as he plants a wet one on her kisser.
What about those extra touches that help make kissing even better? Here are three pointers that are guaranteed to advance you to the head of the class.
THE KISS AND TELLER
This precious variety of kisser spends a lot of his time whispering sweet nothings in your ear, murmuring softly as he pecks your cheek, dives down onto your lips, and chats endlessly as he presses his body tighter and tighter against you until your blurt out an answering catcall yourself.
THE HUM DINGER
In this case, the kisser presses his lips againts your skin and hums as he kisses you. He can buzz gently along the contours of your face, againts your forehead, or along your eyebrows, Inevitably, he will descend to the nether regions of your neck and drum up some tender excitement there.
THE WHIP LASHER
Most people don't even consider using their eyelashes as a sexual aid. But gently flicking your eyelashes againts another's, or letting them flutter like giddy gypsy moths along the skin, can send thrills and titters of electricity jolting throughout your lover's being.
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